i kind of want to start blogging again

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this, but the note on my phone says “I want to start blogging again – about [name of ex], about music friends, and shyness.”

I’ve got “This Town” by Niall Horan in the background and I’m ready to start.

I started crying in public a few days ago. Not the first time but hopefully the last. It was the culmination of a terrible week. I blamed it on a classmate of mine, how they had been mean to me for so long and how I couldn’t take it anymore.

I have defined myself by anxiety and stress and depression for too long. I wore that like a badge of honor. I lashed out at people and then called it anxiety. I talked too loudly and too long about my anxiety and food allergies and illness.

It was a feeble attempt to make connections, while also pushing people away. I believed that if they couldn’t take it, then it was something wrong with them.

What does this have to do with music, you ask? Well, I had a friend breakup a couple of weeks ago. I called him my music friend. I clung to that because I had been waiting for so long to find someone who gets music the exact same way that I do.

So I closed myself off and turned it into an obsession. And then when I told him that he broke my heart, he ran away. And I blamed it on him, and I blamed it on myself.

I saw The Jesus and Mary Chain live for the second time last week. It hit me again that Jim Reid uses his shyness as power. His stage presence is lanky and awkward, but he makes it work so completely that it’s not awkward anymore. You lose yourself in the music, just like he does.

I told the story about being an introvert long past the point it stopped being true. I’ve slowly learned to define myself in other ways besides just being shy, to use it in the same way Jim Reid uses it: that that’s just who he is, fuck all. Not even aggressively, either, despite the music and the message of his band. I guess his whole aesthetic is being comfortable with being uncomfortable.

It reminds me that there’s nothing to prove. You don’t have to be aggressive about your demons, just leave them be.

So why can’t I let go?